4 Tips to Using Your WORDS More Often

Let me start this by saying that this is so beneficial for everyone, not just people who struggle with using their words to affirm their spouse.

Okay, so, anyone who knows me knows that I can talk like nobody's business, but I am awful when it comes to daily compliments or affirmation. It's something that I have to be intentional about or I'll forget! It's not that I don't like you, love you or admire you...I just don't think about it!

I'm not a "words" person. Often I find myself wondering what people want from me whenever they compliment me. Am I alone in this?

My husband however, is a "words" person. He finds great encouragement and discouragement by the words spoken to/about him. My husband is not weak and he's definitely not a "cry baby", but words do mean more to him than they do to me on most occasions...and I forget that...just about every day.

We recently attended a Bible study concerning the book The 5 Love Languages. If you haven't read this before, you should! It's written by Gary Chapman and it is such a good book! You learn so much about speaking your spouse's love language as well as learning about your own love language!

Did you know that you have a love language?

Basically, Chapman talks about is how each one of us have different ways of expressing and receiving love. He says that there are five different love languages: Quality Time, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Receiving Gifts, and Acts of Service. Basically, you would value one of these more than another and the one you value the most is most likely your "love language".

Example #1: I like getting gifts from Chris, but honestly, I don't feel any more loved or unloved simply because he gives me or doesn't give me gifts. This implies that Receiving Gifts is not the best way to show me love. Does that explanation make sense?

Example #2: I have found that I feel increasingly happy, more content in my marriage, and extremely loved whenever Chris and I spend good quality time together away from technology and sometimes away from home. When Chris hasn't spent any good quality time with me, I start to feel sad and unloved. This would imply that my love language is "quality time" and that quality time is the best way to show me love. Does that make sense?

When you spend good quality time with me, you're showing me love the way I best receive it! Chris receives love through words of affirmation. When I compliment him and thank him for his hard work, I am showing him love in the best way he receives it!

Example #3: Chris enjoys gifts, but just like me, gifts do not make him feel anymore loved than he already did. This implies that Receiving Gifts is not the best way to show him love.

Example #4: Chris gets increasingly happy when I use my words to uplift him (anybody would, but this is a daily essential for him). He feels so much more loved by me when I speak life into him! 
I can do with one or two compliments a month, but Chris thrives off of DAILY encouragement and uplifting words. I think that's an important distinction to make...someone who's love language is words of affirmation needs more than just one or two compliments a month. They need it almost daily. Because Chris blooms through the use of words, this implies that the best way to show him love is through your words. I know that I am being very "wordy", haha...but does this make sense at all?

This is not to say that we don't receive love in any other way, but these are the greatest ways that someone could show us love!

So this leads me to my topic for today. (Getting back on track here...) Chris's love language is Words of Affirmation. I suck at providing regular affirmation, simply because it's not as important to ME. I don't think about it as something he needs or wants, because I don't need it and want it as much as he does.

I've been really convicted about this and I've tried so many different ways to express appreciation to him! Some moments have been really awkward and incredibly forced, and other times it has worked out fairly well.

I thank the Lord because I am starting to really see the opportunities to use my words to show him love! I know that this sounds so basic. It is...but I still struggle with it! 

I know that Chris has recently noticed me "trying" to compliment him more...That's sounds so bad! Haha!...but I can honestly see how God has been working within me so that I can really show my husband love in the best way possible! 

I can easily compliment my husband every now and then on paper or on the keyboard, but I struggle with speaking it to him DAILY!

There are so many wonderful things about my husband. I could write an entire post, an entire series on the wonderful things about my husband, but would good is that if I can't even tell him to his face every day?

This is my conviction. My challenge. My project. My life long goal. To speak my husband's love language. To show him love in the way he receives it best! And believe me, I've seen what it does to him! This man blooms when given the proper affirmation and it's a beautiful thing! 

I am writing this for the not-so-wordy folks around me. I want to share some tips I have been learning that help me to speak more directly to my husbands heart!

#1 Speak it the moment you think of it. If your spouse has cleaned the entire kitchen, tell them how grateful you are the moment you see what they've done. Don't wait. Say it now! Even if you have to text them because they aren't home. If you like what she or he is wearing, say it now! To earn bonus points, use words like hot or sexy! :)

#2 Plan it when you're actually thinking about it. Write him a letter. Text her. Leave her a note. Set an alarm, reminding you to compliment him when he gets home from work. To earn bonus points, mail him a sweet love letter to his office. Husbands you can do the same, mailing your wife a letter from work. Planning to affirm your spouse puts your mindset into vocalizing wonderful things to him and about him.

#3 Show gratitude. This is so basic, but it's something I have honestly had to remind myself! A huge part in showing affirmation is simply being grateful and expressing your thanks. Be grateful, and be vocal about it! If he's picked up your entire house, thank him! If your wife has clearly been working on laundry all day, say thank you! 

#4 Acknowledge the good things you notice. Almost every day my husband chases our daughter around the house, throwing her into a fit of giggles and laughs! When they stop running around, then would be the time to tell him how good of a father he is and that I can see how much he loves his little girl! If you see your husband cuddling with your child, tell him how much you love seeing those precious moments and how much he deserves those little cuddles! If your wife lets someone cut in front of her in line, tell her how grateful you are that you have such a giving and generous spouse. 

I am by no means an expert on this and I have sooo much that I need to work on, but these four things have really helped me make it a practical habit in my day-to-day life. They are some of the easiest ways to affirm your spouse!

I pray constantly that God shows me how great my husband is. It's not that I don't see it, but life gets so crazy sometimes that it's difficult to recognize the little things, the good things.

I could continue to say to express when he has met your needs and to tell her that you need her. I could tell you to listen more and say less, but I do believe that if you practice the four habits above, that you would really impact your spouse's life...especially if they receive love best through words of affirmation.

What do you do to show your spouse love? What does your spouse seem to appreciate the most? What makes them feel the MOST loved by you? Did you find this helpful?

MARRIAGE IS HARD

"Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other." Romans 12:10

To say that marriage is hard is an understatement sometimes. 

Honestly, I almost titled this post "Marriage Sucks" but then I thought that might be a little harsh and that some people might get offended before they even read what I wrote. Not that that should matter, but still...

 

Marriage is hard. REALLY HARD. Possibly the hardest thing I've ever experienced in my life. That is no exaggeration.

Marriage involves daily acknowledging and admitting of your own failures, weakness and sins. It involves your spouse learning daily how to forgive and forget those weaknesses, failures and sins. It involves learning to transform your speech to positive speech and gratitude. Being grateful and positive all the time. ALL THE TIME. Even if you're not "feeling it".

Marriage involves humbling yourself daily to the extent that some days you simply turn the other cheek. It involves actively living out patience and God's truth. It involves real OBEDIENCE to God's Word.

 "So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples."
John 13:34-35

Being honest here, it can really suck sometimes. Communication and confrontation can be very painful. Often there is blame on both parties which makes it difficult to put one issue aside so that you can effectively deal with the issue at hand. It's difficult learning to compartmentalize during a heated conversation or argument.

It takes a TEAM EFFORT to learn how to tackle one issue at a time WITHOUT bringing up something else in the process. In order to move forward and move past something, we have to be able to discuss that ONE issue, leaving the rest behind for a little bit.

A TEAM EFFORT is not ONE person being eager to grow, but BOTH. You BOTH have to be eager and willing to change, grow and really work at communicating. Note I said "work at" communicating. It's a really long process.

We as people are complicated. We aren't going to have each other figured out after just a few disagreements! People change. Our desires change. Our needs change. Our moods change. This means our conversations will change. Our arguments will change. Sadly, we are not a steady people. We change constantly. Everything about us, our hearts and our minds, it changes constantly. This means you must recognize that communication will be a never ending learning experience.

In marriage, you have to recognize, acknowledge and admit on a daily basis that your marriage is NOT about YOU, YOUR HAPPINESS or YOUR SPOUSE'S HAPPINESS, but it is about becoming more like Christ! This is TRUTH. Soak it in.

Have you come to the conclusion yet that your spouse is not perfect? That he or she is not always going to be the man or woman you WANT? Maybe your spouse is not really satisfying you right now. Maybe you feel lonely or ignored.


Let me remind you of some basics in life.

Your spouse is...well, YOUR SPOUSE!
YOU cannot change your spouse. They are who they are. Only God can change them and only God can motivate them to change.


My husband, Chris, is Chris...and I am Stephanie. We are two very different people. We have different convictions, different desires, different motivations, different weaknesses and different strengths. We clean the house differently, we read the Word differently, we sleep differently, we wake up differently...we are very, VERY different people. So are YOU and YOUR SPOUSE.

You've just got to get over it. You've got to accept the truth that your spouse is NOT YOU and YOU are NOT YOUR SPOUSE. You are two very different people.


But here's the GOOD NEWS: You are two very different people who were put together so that God could make you MORE LIKE HIMSELF!

Our marriages are meant to make us HOLY and MORE LIKE CHRIST! Truth. Marriage is a tool to worship God and to further and better share the Good News! When we SEE THIS and RECOGNIZE THIS AS TRUTH, we see our relationship in a whole new light!


It's not about YOU. It's about growing to become more like Christ! I recently heard in a Joyce Meyer sermon that "God WILL put you with someone who irritates you! But trust me, you will irritate them, too! That person God uses to rub against you and chip away the sin and the dirt in your life, and you in their life!" This is so true!

More than likely your spouse is going to hurt you at some point. ...and then again, and again and again. We're human and we are prone to fall. THANKFULLY the Lord is gracious and forgiving. Are YOU gracious and forgiving? No matter how deep the pain, in marriage, you've got to just take it to God and move on. Sometimes there will be the opportunity for discussion and other times your spouse is not going to be open to what you have to say. So, just take it to God and move on.

Marriage involves sacrifice and humility and honesty. EVERY SINGLE DAY.

We are to be a TEAM and encourage each other to pursue God, to obey God, to listen to God. But don't be smart! Don't think for a moment that you know exactly what your spouse needs! Listen. Be patient. Pray for them. 

Here are some questions you can ask yourself in your

 journey to becoming a more encouraging spouse:

What would help my spouse to grow closer to God? 

Have I been praying for my spouse on a regular basis?

Have I been praying over our home on a regular basis?

How can I remind my spouse of God's love this week?
How can I remind my spouse of God's promises this week?

What need has my spouse expressed to me this week? 

Has my spouse spoken of a desire to pray or read together?
What would encourage my spouse to pursue God more? 

Would it positively affect my spouse if I, myself, read MORE in the Word? 

Have I been reading the Bible on a regular basis?

Would it encourage my spouse to pursue God if I read the Bible with them anytime they asked or suggested it?

Have I been positive in my speech 
and in my actions this week?

Have I been honest with my spouse?

Have I been grateful in my speech 
towards my spouse this week?

Marriage is hard because it requires daily sacrifice and selflessness. You have to CHOOSE to love your spouse no matter what the day holds, no matter your confusion or frustration, no matter what your spouse did yesterday or even five minutes ago! 

Take it from me. Pause and look at the log in your own eye. Be merciful. You'd want your spouse to be merciful to you, right?

"Do for others as you would like them to do for you."
Luke 6:31

"Be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love."
Ephesians 4:2

Forgive and forget. This is essential for life.

Be intentional. Be purposeful. Choose to act and speak in love, for this is the will of God for those who love him. 

"Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is born of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God---for God is love."
1 John 4:7-8

"But I say love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven..." Matthew 5:44-45a

"Love does no wrong to anyone, so love satisfies all of God's requirements." Romans 13:10

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

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I know that this was completely scatter-brained today but I felt the need to let this pour out from within my heart. I do believe that someone needs to hear this and I believe that it will sink right into their hearts, all thanks to the hands of God our Father.

May these words be a blessing and a light into someone's heart today, Father. That they may see what it is you have been longing for them to see and that they may be humbled and put in awe of your wondrous love for us! In the name of Jesus Christ, I ask this. Amen.

To My Husband on His Birthday

To My Dearest Husband,

You da bomb!

Okay okay, I'll try to contain my excitement just a LITTLE. ;)

You turn 26 today, you old geezer! Just kidding! I can't believe you're older than me! By a few months, but still...

We've been through A LOT together. Oh my goodness, a lot! I don't regret a single moment! The good OR the bad. I cherish them both, for I know that God has used our many days to grow us. So no, I don't regret a single moment. I look forward to experiencing the rest of my life with you! I look forward to the good AND the bad times with you. You make it so easy to love life!

My favorite things about you are these:

1. How you laugh extremely loud at things when the moment has completely passed by, and it wasn't even that funny to begin with...

2. How to try to flirt with me whenever I'm trying to get chores done (it's a love-hate relationship with that anyways)...

3. Your smile!!!

4. Your eyes...those big blue eyes!!! <3 p="">

5. Your arms...you're so manly! ::tries to sound sexy::

6. I love the way you giggle when I'm trying to make you laugh by being a corny little dork!

7. I love how hard you work to perfect all that you do!

8. I love how open and loving and caring you are to all the people you meet!

9. I love how you WANT to hear what I have to say.

10. You are such a kid, and I love that because of that, you keep us young and spirited!

11. You try to creep on me while I'll writing blogs. (You're walking in right now and I'm trying to hurry up so you can't read over my shoulder...'cause you will!)

12. You encourage me daily. You never ever give up, on me or on anyone. 

13. You seriously love and fear Christ.

 

Chris, 

You are an incredible leader in our home and in our relationship. Sometimes you are a silent leader and other times you are bold. You don't fear me or this world, but instead you fear God. For that, I am so grateful! You fight for the Truth and for your family. You are such a good listener. Your heart is so welcoming! You're so eager to learn about everything and everyone! You are so spirited and carefree, yet you have an incredible wisdom that can only come from God. Your peaceful attitude overwhelms me daily. You are so stinkin' peaceful! 

You are so eager to love! You love to show love, especially the kind that stops other people in their tracks! You were made to be a teacher! (Some may not understand that statement, but you do, and that's all that matters.) I've seen the gentleness and patience you have with others. It amazed me to this day. You love to teach others because you have that same eagerness to learn and to love!

Your smile is seriously the most wonderful, inviting thing ever! 

You melt me whenever you smile at me! Really. You do.

Chris, you are an incredibly hard worker and I am so grateful and appreciative of your (His) provision. You work so hard and long without complaining. You are truly a great witness for Christ. I believe in you more than you could ever know! You are fully capable of accomplishing whatever you put your mind to! You've always been that way! Everyone who knows you would tell you the same thing!

I love you so much! You are so good to me. You are so sweet, gentle, patient, kind and forgiving. I NEED you in my life. Your attitude humbles me every day. I love your soft eyes, your comforting hands, your big arms that hold me so tightly and I love your extremely warm hugs! Your kisses are the best! I'm sorry that I don't tell you these things enough! You have me forever baby! I will be by your side forever and a day!

I am so proud of the man you have become over the years and I sincerely believe that God has SO MUCH MORE in store for you!!! I cannot wait to see what He does in your life! 

 

 

I stinkin' love you babe!!! 

When Anger Gets the Best of You

Let's get personal!

It seems as if everything I have on my mind lately is simply that...personal. 

My deepest thoughts, concerns and struggles. Not that that's a bad thing, but it definitely makes it hard to share it with people, especially over the world wide web!

But hey! If I can share these thoughts with close friends and strangers that I meet while on a coffee date, then I guess I can share it with more than just the one or two!

 

Getting angry is a really easy trap to fall into. It really is. Let's be real.
How often do YOU get angry? Once a month? Once a week? Once a day? 

I don't know about you, but I'm raising my hand!

...and if you aren't raising yours, you're lying!

Anger is seriously...

a dangerous trap

that we fall into

weekly, if not, daily.

It can cause us to do things that we wouldn't "normally" do...
Like throwing a hair brush or kicking a hole in the wall! 
Thinking about my middle school and high school days right there! Oops. Sorry mom. Sorry dad.

As I started writing this post, the Lord re-directed my thoughts. I was going to share how anger can and does affect the people in your life and how you can choose to overcome that anger. I still might talk a little bit about it at some point. However, I think God has a different message for me tonight.

"The LORD is gracious, and full of compassion; slow to anger, and of great mercy."
Psalms 145:8

I was researching Scripture about anger and I came across this precious piece of the Word. I was dumb-founded. I literally had nothing to say about this. All I thought was, okay wow, so I have A LOT to work on if I am to ever become like Christ! A lot!

The LORD is slow to anger. As in He is patient and humble. I'm pretty sure He 

doesn't lash out just 'cause. 

He is of great mercy. I think this hit me the most. Mercy. Do I show mercy? Have I shown mercy? Hm...I'm really not sure I want to answer that. Nooo...[slowly backing away now]

He is of GREAT MERCY!!!

I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Some of the greatest times I have had reading the Word of God is when I sit down and define every single word until I can explain that one verse like nobody's business! So with that said...

Let's define mercy! Let's dumb it down to toddler level! 

Bear with me as this might just be one of the most boring posts I will ever write! ;) 

Just kidding, hopefully not!

MERCY
According to Dictionary.com, mercy means...
1. compassionate or kindly forbearance shown toward an offender, an enemy, or 

 other person in one's power; compassion, pity, or benevolence:

  2. the disposition to be compassionate or forbearing: 

3. the discretionary power of a judge to pardon someone or to mitigate punishment,  

especially to send to prison rather than invoke the death penalty.

4. an act of kindness, compassion, or favor:  

5.  something that gives evidence of divine favor; blessing:

Ooh! I was pretty sure I understood the word mercy until I read out the definition. Am I alone in this? What in the world does all of this really mean??? Did anyone catch that last one? 
"Something that gives evidence of divine favor; blessing." 

Wow! Conviction.

I would stop here and leave it at that, but honestly, I need to dumb it down a little more. Or maybe a lot more! I have highlighted some words to define so I can further simplify the word mercy, but here we have the "short" version. If you want to see what words I researched and if you're a word dork like me, I've listed everything at the very end of the post! Otherwise, let's just continue on to the "short" version!

Okay...

MERCY
According to Stephanie's hours spent researching definitions and 
those definitions' definitions, mercy means...

1. Understanding another person's suffering and kindly abstaining from all the bad things you want to say and do, even though that person is really irritating, annoying and possibly trying to make you more upset by the minute! Understanding the hardships that they go through and genuinely having the desire to alleviate them of their pain and suffering. Having a real desire to do good to them.

2. Naturally showing sympathy and withholding your own judgement 
and punishment towards a person.

3. You might be angry and you might have a right to be angry, but you choose to forgive them and release them of their penalty or release them of what they owe you. You might be angry, but you choose to lessen your wrath or harshness towards them.

4. Choosing to show acts of kindness rather than act with justice.

5. Your acts should show your devotion to God, making others as better than yourself.

Hm. Does anyone else just feel like they need to be soaking this in??? I honestly feel like I just need to sit in this for a while. Seriously. 
"Having a real desire to do good to them." 
"Naturally showing sympathy." 
"Making others as better than yourself." 
"Your acts should show your devotion to God."  
Conviction.

I'll be honest. I've gotten into some serious fights over the years with my hubby. My sweet sweet hubby. We're not the only ones! Don't look at me with those judgmental eyes! :) Every single one of our fights, no matter the cause, ended up being just straight embarrassing. We did so much stupid stuff and for what reason??? Selfishness most likely. I was humiliated in so many instances. He was humiliated in so many instances. It was a mess! A real big huge stinky awful mess!

We all get into fights with those we love (as ironic as that is). It's human nature to be selfish. It's in our flesh. I could honestly go on and on about this for hours, but to sum it up...

How did we resolve it? How did we ever make up? I guarantee you that there were 

instances where we second guessed ourselves and thought of how much easier it would be if we weren't together anymore! How did we recover? Heal? Forgive? Love again?

Well...

One of us chose to pursue sympathy and understanding. 

One of us chose to forgive and forget. 

One of us chose to show acts of kindness. 

One of us chose to humble ourselves and show honor to the other person. 

One of us chose to show our devotion to God. 

One of us chose to relieve the other person from their pain and suffering. 

One of us chose to lessen the intensity and harshness. 

One of us chose to act out of kindness rather than in judgement.  

One of us showed great mercy. 

...and oh. my. gosh.

Mercy. It is a beautiful thing!

How wonderful it is to receive mercy! Especially when you've been so stupid, foolish, crazy; whatever you'd call yourself in those moments! We were humbled and made vulnerable once again when we showed each other mercy, when we purposefully forgave and started to show kindness once again. 

To show mercy is to be selfless. Therefore, let's slow down a bit and have compassion on each other. This goes for both the married folk and unmarried folk alike! Be understanding. Be kind. 

Act in such a way the people see your devotion to God!

Our marriage isn't perfect, but I can honestly say that God has changed us and renewed us! He is continuously working on us with a specific purpose in mind! I love my husband ten times more today than I did the day I married him and it's all because of God's work within us! Through the good times and the bad, He has taught us so much more about ourselves and each other. We have grown in our understanding of each other and grown in our wisdom of Christ. Two very essential things in marriage. 

May I encourage you, especially if you're in a fight right now, to humble yourself and serve him or her. Gift your loved one (or enemy) with the release from their penalty. Relieve them of their stress or suffering. Show kindness to them. Choose to lessen the harshness of your voice. Choose to lessen the intensity of your frustration. I am speaking to myself when I say this, but choose to forgive and forget. Choose sympathy and understanding. Choose to show them great mercy!

Proverbs 14:29 | "He that is slow to wrath is of great understanding: but he that is hasty of spirit exalts folly."

Proverbs 29:11 | "A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control."

Proverbs 19:11 | "A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense."


Psalm 37:8-9 | "Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret--it leads only to evil.  For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land."


Colossians 3:8 | "But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips."


James 1:20 | "For man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires."


Galations 5:22-25 | "But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with it's passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit."


May God bless you with wisdom and insight into His marvelous Word and may He teach you the ways of becoming a peace-maker!

Photo by Strasburger Photography

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Here are the words I want to define further:

I am sharing this entire process with you because I want you to be able to see for yourself where I got to where I'm going!

(Bear with me here. If you want to skip this all the way to the part where I re-write out the 

definition of mercy, be my guest! I won't be offended!)

Compassion|A feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

Sympathy|The harmony of agreement in feeling, as between persons or on the part of one person with respect to another.

Forbear|To refrain or abstain from. To keep back; withhold.

Offender|Someone who irritates, annoys or angers; causes resentful displeasure in.

Enemy|A person who feels hatred for, fosters harmful designs against, or engages in antagonistic activities against another; an adversary or opponent.An armed foe; an opposing military force.

Pity|Sympathetic or kindly sorrow evoked by the suffering, distress, or misfortune of another, often leading one to give relief or aid or to show mercy.

Benevolence|Desire to do good to others; goodwill; charitableness. An act of kindness; a charitable gift.

Disposition|Natural mental or emotional outlook or mood; characteristic attitude. State of mind regarding something.

Discretion|The power or right to decide or act according to one's own judgement or choice.

Power|The capability of doing or accomplishing something.

Pardon|Kind indulgence, as in forgiveness of an offense or discourtesy or in tolerance of a distraction or inconvenience. A release from the penalty of an offense.

Mitigate|To lessen in force or intensity, as wrath, grief, harshness, or pain. To make less severe.

Favor|Something done or granted out of goodwill, rather than from justice or for remuneration; a kind act.

Divine|Devoted to God. Religious. Sacred.

Blessing|The act or words of a person who blesses. A special favor, mercy, or benefit.

Bless(verb)|To make or pronounce holy.

 

To my Best Friend on Her Anniversary

To my best friend and her sweet husband, Happy Anniversary!!!

Let me preface this by saying that this bride has been a sister to me for so many years. She and I have had some major up and downs but I do not regret a moment! I consider her family. Seriously. She's even on my Christmas budget! Her husband, even though I do not know him as much as I know I will in the years to come, I hear nothing but wonderful and beautiful things about him! He's a great man and the RIGHT man for my wonderful friend! God is using him daily to minister to his wife's heart and soul! He has now entered into our non-blood adopted-family relationship thing we have going on. Just as Rachel is my family, so is Jonathan. He's now a brother in our eyes...and I am so excited to get to know him more!

Marriage is a beautiful thing. It's seriously beautiful! I love Chris FAR MORE today than I did when we got married, and it is through hard times, good times and God's love and mercy that has brought us to where we are today. Cling to God's Truth! Stand firm to the faith He has given you. Do all that you can to GROW and remember that marriage is a union. You are here, together, to pursue God in the greatest sense!

It is very easy to hurt each other in the process of growth, but remember it is just that! GROWTH!!! Your spouse will see things about you and in you that you sometimes may not see...and many times the changes, convictions and confrontations are painful, but it is all for the glory of God! You are united now so that you can join together and spread the Gospel, for two are far stronger than one (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)!

God has brought you two together for a purpose. I have no doubt. You are going to do WONDERFUL things in the name of Jesus Christ. You already are, whether you feel like it or not.


There is SO MUCH that I want to share with you but I know that if I did, this post would be ridiculously long and probably too serious for the liking of most readers. So I will make it short!

I simply encourage you both to remember that you are ONE. You affect each other 

in everything you do, even if it's something you've done in secret. Even if it's 

something you thought you let go of a long time ago, but really haven't. I spoke 

about this in my letter to my brother (post here).

It is best just to recognize that your spouse is human. This means that they sin and that they are very capable of hurting your feelings more often than you'd like. It's a sad truth, but we just need to drop our pride and get over this little fact. USE THE HARD TIMES to learn more about your spouse and yourself. USE THE HARD TIMES to learn more about Christ. Getting into fights (even silent ones) can be so painful and challenging, but God uses some of our darkest moments to teach us about HIM! REMEMBER THAT!

HAVE HOPE AND REMEMBER THAT LIFE IS ABOUT GOD!!! IT'S ABOUT BECOMING MORE LIKE CHRIST AND SHARING HIS GLORIOUS STORY!!!

Your marriage is just a tool that God uses. Don't get me wrong! God blesses us so much in marriage, with joy, pleasure, excitement, and thrilling adventures, but His will for us is so much BIGGER!!!

 

God comes first, but your spouse should come second.

Jonathan,
Rachel should be first priority. Learn how to listen to her. 

You may think you know how to listen to her and that you hear her well, but you will find years from now that she's not as easy to read as you think. Her heart and mind are far more complex than you know! It's a good thing, but be patient and try to listen as best you know how. Pursue her even if it seems that she doesn't want it. You will know if she truly needs her space. Remind her (and yourself) of all the reasons to wanted to marry her and of all the reasons you thought she was attractive when you first met her and got to know her. Just like men, women deal a lot with guilt. We often feel as if we are not enough or that we're not doing enough. Constantly show her that you recognize all that she's done, even if it's below your standards. Even if it doesn't matter to you, compliment her hard work and beauty and compassion for others. Make it your goal to know her heart and soul. More than anything, pursue God. She NEEDS you to pursue God! God gives SO MUCH WISDOM in the most simplest of things and in the grandest of schemes!

Rachel, 

Jonathan should be first priority (other than Christ). Learn how to listen to him.
He will be hard to open up on many occasions, but keep trying. Learn how to ask the right questions and he will be like an open book! Keep pursuing him even if it doesn't seem like he's interested. We never know what may be on someone's heart and mind. Men have a lot of pressure on them when they get married. It's almost instant. Remember that he has the weight of the world on his shoulders! Do all that you can to ease his heart and mind! (Even if it's something that comes unnatural to you!) Be patient with him. He's learning how to love you. Pursue God. He NEEDS you to pursue God! God can tell you exactly what to do or say to your husband and just at the right time! Do all that you can to help your husband grow closer to God! Do all that you can to show that he is the respected head of the household, especially when around friends AND family! (There are ways to share the truth about your marriage without making him look bad, but you know this!)

You are each learning so much right now. You are learning about yourself and about the other person. It takes a lifetime if not longer to really know a person, so don't expect this to be an easy journey. So be humble and patient. Serve each other and remember that sometimes, giving your spouse what they need may mean putting yourself last. Learn each others love language! This is amazingly important!!! Put yourself around encouraging and godly friends. Even if it's awkward at first (and trust me, it can be), it's worth it!

Jonathan, make sure you have good godly male friends that you can go to and confide in. Rachel, make sure you have good godly female friends that you can go to and confide in. You might have to seek out those relationships, but they are worth it.

This is a new phase of life. Embrace it and make the most of it!

You are both in my prayers daily. I am so excited to see what all God does 

in your lives now that you are so greatly united with Him! 

God is good and ALL good things come from Him (James 1:17)!

Yes, of course there are lots of photos... :)

Simple Ways to Show Love on a Busy Day

You've probably seen my previous post A Letter to My Brother, where I talked 

about him getting married and gave him some advice to which I have learned over my 

short (three years) time of being married. Well, this is in response to the chaos of wedding weekends.

We so often get so busy that it's hard to show our significant other those loving touches,

 caring words and flirtatious attitude. I was surprised with how easily my husband and I were able to express love to each even though it felt like we hardly saw each other. So I'd like to share 

some things that I noticed worked for us now and have worked for in the past!

BE PHYSICAL

Be physical whenever you can!
Rest your head on his shoulders if you're having to stand around for a minute.

Grab hands even if it's just for a split second.

Touch his or her back or waist gently as you pass by.

Hug him/her tightly whenever you can pause for two seconds.

BE FLIRTATIOUS

Use your eyes and body language to flirt from across the room!
Create and use code words that only your spouse will understand.

Give him/her a quick tap on the bottom as you walk on by.

 For the ladies: do a little model walk to get his attention!
Make eye contact and smile.

LEAVE A NOTE

I like to leave Chris sweet messages sometimes by writing on our mirror or on 

our washing machine with a dry erase marker.
In college I used to leave sticky notes on his steering wheel.
Write a letter when you have time, and on a busy day, slip it into his/her pocket. 

ACTS OF SERVICE

If your spouse is busy, bring him/her a drink or snack.
Be in tune with what he may need and help him out if you can.
If you're spouse is busy, do a chore that is on her to-do list.

BE VERBAL

Text or e-mail her throughout the day.

Give praise and show appreciation.


I hope you find these helpful! And I hope you find more ways to show your 

spouse love on those busy busy days!

If you liked this, you might also like:

1. 50 WAYS to Show Your Husband You LOVE HIM
via Mindy at Busy Bliss

2. 30 Ways to Love Your Husband

via Darlene at Time Warp Wife

A Letter to my Brother | You're Getting Married Today

You're getting married today. 

Wow.

Can I just pause and take a breath?
You are getting married...today.

I have so many stories!!!

I remember the many times that we stayed up to the wee hours of the night
talking about God, relationships, parents, school, and life. I remember how many
times you asked me how school was and I responded with "shut up!" I am so so sorry, David.

I remember watching your relationship grow with Chris and how much it meant
to me to see you two really enjoying each other. I remember all the times that you,
me and Stacy stayed up watching funny youtube videos. Laughing the night away.

I remember all the times you walked into a room and whatever you said was always
something that convicted us and you had no idea what you had even said. (You know what I mean.)
I remember how you stayed with Chris and I for weeks when Hannah was first born and how you would wake up and check on me whenever Hannah was crying and I had to change her diaper at 4am.

I have seen the joy in your eyes whenever you've met your new nephew and your new niece.

I have seen cry. I have seen you laugh so hard that you can't breathe. I have seen you angry. I have seen you disappointed. and I have seen you so happy that you've actually jumped in
place (asking Chelsea out was one of those times). I remember how annoying
you were as a little brother. Haha...

But let me tell you something...

I have seen you GROW!!!

I have been able to witness with my own two eyes how smart, intelligent, generous,
loving, caring, compassionate, passionate, hard-working, understanding, respectable, fearless,
confident, genuine, honest, and just straight out KIND you have become!

I have seen you fall in love with Jesus Christ and I have seen you fall in love with Chelsea!

I have seen you speak TRUTH (God's truth) and I have seen your confidence in Him!

You make me proud. Very very proud.

 I have some things to tell you as you enter into this marriage. 

They are things that I have learned and some things that I KNOW Chris has learned.

<<<<<<<<<<<< >>>>>>>>>>>

David,


I have sooo many pieces of advice to give you. Trust me, 
I spent hours on this and then deleted it all in the end. 
There will come another day that I can share in detail all 
my learning's in my own marriage. Here is what I have to say to you:


You have TIME. You have TIME to get into the Word 
and TIME to be with and love on your wife (and future kids). Don't be fooled otherwise. (If you literally are so busy that you have no time, something needs to be cut off.)


If you never know what to do in a situation, remember this:
BE HUMBLE. BE HUMBLE. BE HUMBLE. 
SERVE HER. BLESS HER. LOVE HER. BE PATIENT.
(Ex: If you've been hurt or you're angry, but you know 
God has called you to love your wife...humble yourself and 
serve her and you will be amazed at how quickly God 
will change your attitude and desires! Take it as a challenge if you have to. "Anger, you do NOT own me! I am NOT a slave to you! I WILL serve and love my wife!")


God's timing is not our own, but in our journey He has 
given us ALL that we could possibly need in order to become the godly men and women He has planned for us to be! (2 Peter 1:3)


Be patient. Marriage is growth. 
E V E R Y T H I N G in marriage involves personal growth, 
and personal growth takes time (a lifetime in fact).
 
PRAY for and with your spouse!
Talk about your future desires and plans...A LOT
 Talk about the memories you've made together...A LOT
Be honest. Don't keep secrets. Any. It will hurt your 
marriage even when your spouse is in the dark. 
It affects our attitudes and our desires before we even realize it.


Give your wife a thousand kisses everyday! 
Even if it seems like she is too busy or doesn't want them. 
Flirt with her daily! Make it a goal to make her squeal and 
giggle at some point every day! 


God has made you ONE and with that said: 
If one of you is hurting, struggling, or straying away 
from God, it affects you both!  The same goes vice versa. 
Go after God and your spouse will follow in due time!  
Remember, that as ONE, each of you has needs. Do not withhold these needs, no matter what they are. YOU are your spouses partner in life. No one else plays your role.

Laugh with each other. 
Date each other. 
Make time for each other. 
Uplift each other.
 

Marriage is not just about being married, being able 
to be together every day and every night, it is not just 
about our happiness, (although God plans to give you an overflowing amount of joy, pleasure and love in marriage)
 but rather to bring us to becoming more and more like Christ. Holy. Remember this on the harder days and NEVER GIVE UP!



I love you both so much and I am so excited for you!
Marriage has been one of the most thrilling things I have ever been through in my life! I am far more in love with Chris today than I was when I "fell in love" with him (all because of Christ). Chris and I pray for you both often! We absolutely love you and we cannot wait to see how God uses you and what men and women you become in His arms!

May the Lord of Lords and King of Kings 
bring you peace and joy and grace!

Your Sis,
Stephanie

Thoughtful Thursday | Sewing the Seed of Bitterness

I was going to talk about this week's sermon, however, my heart is leading me to share something else.

I want to talk about bitterness. Bitterness in marriage, in particular. 

It happens in all marriages and that's the truth. Don't deny it.

This is hard to talk about because it's wayyy personal, but hey, if it helps someone else wake up to their reality 

and/or be encouraged, I'll share it.

I'd like to preface this by saying that in no way do my husband and I

Marriage is hard. It's really hard. Your spouse is going to hurt you, a lot. Often. More so if he or she is not truly walking 

with the Lord on a daily basis.

You may not like the word "bitter" or any of the words I use, so if you don't like it, you can change the words yourself. However it's said, it's the truth. We as humans easily grow bitter towards people that hurt us, especially the people we look up to.

Your spouse, he or she is going to hurt your feelings on more than one occasion. The more they know you, 

the deeper they can reach and the deeper the pain in moments. 

Wives, please do not take advantage of the fact that your husband will do pretty much anything for you! We as women can really hurt the men in our lives and make the bitterness go even deeper because we still expect to be treated as a "queen". Don't criticize him thinking it's the same thing as "holding him accountable" or "calling him out". Don't make fun of the things he loves, no matter what you think. Your approval means the world to him. You can crush him in an instant if you're not too careful. Don't laugh when he says something the wrong way. Just don't laugh AT him at all, unless he's being funny just to make you laugh. Men are not weak. They are incredibly strong and if they wanted to, they could destroy everything that you are in one single sentence...but they are also way more sensitive than you think. I think God made men sweet on purpose. He knows that He gave them a power to lift up and to destroy. Women, especially those of you with control issues, self-esteem issues, and anger issues...quit stomping on your man! 'Cause that is in a sense what is it! LOVE HIM AND RESPECT HIM!!! How do you expect him to lead and take this extraordinary role you dream of if you keep stomping him into the ground!

Wives, your husband needs you to believe in him. He is only human. He needs you. He needs you to be the woman you are. He needs you to be feminine and all that entails. He needs you to take care of him, comfort him and rescue him. He's an extremely hard worker. His every effort is for your benefit. He wants to make you so so happy. Sweetie, love on your husband. He needs your touch. He needs your kind words and he needs to hear you praise him to others.

We are to respect our husbands (Ephesians 5). Do you know what respect means? You should do an in-depth study of that word, respect. You'd be speechless. One day I will blog about the word "respect" but today we don't have time for that, but let me tell you! After researching "respect", I cried. I cried for a really long time. I definitely don't respect my husband. Not according to the definition anyway. I always thought that I did. What was I thinking? What do you think "respect" means?

RESPECT HIM! Stand in AWE of him! Praise him! Speak nothing but beautiful words of him!

Follow him because he's WISE! BELIEVE that he is WISE.
This is only part of what I learned about respect in my study. Only part. Only a little glimpse into what this means.

RESPECT YOUR HUSBAND!


My husband is amazing. A M A Z I N G! I mean it!
Let me step aside for a minute and talk about my husband...

He is...sigh...the most beautiful and kind man I've ever known. He treats me with the utmost selflessness. He puts me first (after Christ of course), always, no matter how he feels about me. He gives up so much of his own joy and preference so that I can escape the chaos of my day. He never brings up my bad habits. He just smiles and flirts with me. (Yes, flirts...he's good at that, too!) He makes me smile and giggle like a teeny-bopper with her first crush! He knows exactly what to say to make me feel better and he knows exactly what I want to ask of him when I approach him. He may struggle in some moments to pay attention, but my husband KNOWS what I need and when I need it. He is listening even when I feel like he isn't. He has HEARD me speak even when I think he's fallen asleep. He KNOWS me. My heart is shaking and only because this is TRUTH. THIS is the TRUTH I should be speaking over my husband DAILY! You hear that, Chris?

Women, remember the TRUTH about your husband or significant other. Remember why you fell in love in the first place. What made you giggle? What made you day dream about him? Was it his overwhelming love for God? That's what made me want to FOLLOW Chris. I wanted him to lead our future family! I had told my mom in high school that "if by some chance I have a child and it's not his, I want no other man to raise my child". I KNEW that this man was a leader! I KNEW that he was a powerful tool in God's hands!!! He still is!!! Are you listening, Chris?

REMEMBER!!!

Men, do not treat your wives as a tool, especially if they work at home or stay at home with your children. Do not ignore them. Do not forget them. They need you. They need everything that you are, everything that you are capable of...they need you. Men, you are to LOVE your wives (Ephesians 5). Part of loving your wife means being honest with them. It doesn't necessarily mean "get all sappy", but be truthful. Be real. Be there. Love also means speaking truth over them. (This also goes for wives.) God's truth. Remind them of God's Word and promises. They need to hear it. Hug her. Hold her. Hold her hand. LET her cry. Cuddle with her. Do not neglect her simply because you would rather be doing something else. YOU impact her heart. YOU are wanted. She thinks about you every single day, especially when you are away. If you stay up late, unless she's exhausted and already asleep, she's wishing you were with her making her smile. YOU are a leader. REMEMBER that! I can't express it enough!

Your wife is fragile. She has a million thoughts running through her head and a lot of these thoughts are things that she has to fix, change, do. She probably feels like no matter what she accomplishes, it's never enough. There's always more! It's OKAY to pamper her. In fact, I bet if it's been a while, she'll cry. She's always trying to be tough and to keep a strong face when in reality, she feels tired. Tired of trying so hard. Tired of always having to DO something. She needs your open arms to fall into. You are her escape. You are her rescue, peace and comfort. Be blessed! She is also tough enough to listen to your complaints. Treat her, not just like a princess, but as a friend, someone who can listen to you and accept your accountability, because she can.

Quit pressuring your spouse to do or be something that they're not. They are who they are and God made them that way! You fell in love with that person anyway, didn't you? Quit setting such high standards for each other! Most likely neither one of you are going to reach many of those said standards and it's just going to end up in pain.

All of these habits, they lead to bitterness in your spouse. Bitterness is a hard web to escape. It feels close to impossible. Believe me, I know. It is a long and difficult journey to being set free from bitterness. Chris and I have just realized our bitterness in our marriage. We have hidden it to the point we didn't recognize it. (That's a bad thing.) We recently had a long conversation in which we acknowledged how much pain we've cause each other over time. This is so embarrassing to speak of, after all, we are supposed to be a godly couple who holds God's love in all we do, right?? Don't be afraid to release this burden with your spouse! It set me and my husband free! ADMIT IT OUT LOUD. Say it... "I am bitter" "We are bitter" I had to say it, "Chris, we have been so bitter with each other, admit it." ...and it was truth, we were bitter with each other simply because we have both been so tired and weak. We needed God (still do) to touch our hearts and comfort us. Life has been hard, even more so since having Hannah. She challenges us in ways we never thought possible. She wears us out to the point it's difficult to provide that love to each other. Then we try to escape our stress and exhaustion in other ways. Don't do that. Don't make the same mistakes we did. Don't forget each other. Cherish each other. Make sure that you go on dates outside of the home and don't just go to a movie. If the only thing close to going on a date is star gazing in your yard or going on a walk with the kids, do it! You both need it! CHOOSE to fall in love again!



Look, I know that this was a lot of random jibber-jabber but I cannot express this enough...

FIGHT for your marriage!!!

REMEMBER the TRUTH, GOD'S TRUTH

REMEMBER WHY you fell in love! REMEMBER HOW you fell in love!

REMIND him why you fell in love with him! REMIND her why you fell in love with her!

PRAISE her! PRAISE him!

SAY KIND WORDS

BELIEVE IN HER! BELIEVE IN HIM!

LOVE

RESPECT



So often we get into bad habits of: expecting things, asking for too much, criticizing too much, saying too much, saying too little, escaping to things outside of our marriage and God...We get so caught up in just trying to survive life or avoid confrontation about personal struggles that we forget that we play a huge role in our relationships. We forget that we are needed and that every word out of our mouths is clung onto in a longing for God's truth. It's the truth. I am not that important, but God has placed me in a place of influence. God has placed YOU in a place of influence. Therefore, your words enter into your spouses heart...every, single, time. We forget that.  Let us change these habits and focus on uplifting our marriages once again. They are, after all, a gift that leads us closer and closer to Christ!