Y’all. It’s been F O R E V E R since I’ve blogged. At least
it feels like it.
I have so much that’s weighing on my heart, but I have no
idea how to talk about any of it. I guess I could begin with last year.
Do you ever have those life changing years? A year in which
you grow and change as a person because you’ve been through and learned so much?
I’ve always thought I was fairly mature for my age, but in the last 12 months I
have learned so much. In May of last year I lost a baby. For those of you who
have had miscarriages, you know how devastating it can be. I was not prepared
for what losing that little life would do to me.
We found out I was expecting number three and I’ll be
honest, I wasn’t very excited. I was just getting my life back together from
having Hannah and Charlie. I was just
figuring out how to do life with my little girls and I was NOT ready for
something to “screw that up”. Some of you understand that feeling. I’m just
getting a hold of this parenting thing and now it’s all going to fall apart
again! That’s how I felt. I started praying to be more excited about baby
number three and by the time I was happy about it, we got our ultrasound and found
no baby. At 11 weeks, we found out that I had miscarried. I lost the baby.
Those of you who know me well, know that I am not a “cry-er”
and that I do not show emotions easily. It didn’t hit me right away. I just
updated people that knew about the pregnancy and continued on about my routine.
The moment it hit me was the moment it all came out, literally. (Sorry, tmi.) I
remember sitting in the bathroom in the middle of the night, crying. I couldn’t
breathe. As an INTP personality type, I don’t think I could have gotten there
without the help of some wonderful women I know and love. They reminded me of
the truth: that tears are healthy and normal and that I did indeed lose a baby.
My baby died and it’s okay to cry about it. I am a mother to another little precious
life that I never got to meet.
I stopped answering phone calls and going to church. I
stopped talking and fell into depression. I barely functioned. Chris played the
role of both dad and mom for at least half a year, if not longer. I could never wake up in the morning or think
straight. I never responded fast enough to the girls. The girls and I could
never have thrived like we did without Chris. He really was (and still is) my
rock. He kept me together and kept smiles on their faces. I think he learned a
lot about me and about servant-hood last year, too. My hormones became like a
roller coaster and paired with the depression, I couldn’t see left from right. It
was bad. I HATE not being able to function well or THINK and I was starting to
get really mad at my situation. I forgot to mention that I had just gotten over
postpartum depression right before I got pregnant with my third. I didn’t want
to be this foggy and grumpy again. I was over it. O V E R I T.
About three months after the miscarriage, I began studying
hormone imbalances and praying about my depression, that God would show me a
way out. I learned that I had low serotonin through all my research and began
changing some things in order to combat that. It changed a lot and made me feel
a little more energetic and normal again. I took a personality test and it came
up, INTP. (I felt that motherhood had made me lose who I was, so I thought a
personality test might give me some answers.) I could write a never ending blog
about INTP personality types but I won’t do it (at least not today). I will
however, share a few facts that relate to this story and my fight against
depression.
INTPs are one of the most introverted introverts there are.
On a good week, they need 20+ hours of “alone time” to function properly. They
are more logical and accurate than anything. (My closest friends and family can
tell you that I can make a conversation so much longer, simply because I keep
correcting my inaccuracies. In fact, there are many blog posts that I have
written but haven’t shared because I don’t think my words are accurate enough
for what I am trying to get across.) It’s normal for INTPs to have little to no
friends. I have about four close friends right now, which is a lot for me. (Two
of which are my mom and Chris.) I’m happy that way. I don’t need a lot of
friends.
Well, as a mom of two toddlers (at the time) I was spending
all my waking hours with people. We had play dates almost every day. I didn’t
know how to be a mom without help from other moms. I still need help, but now I
know that spending that much time with people only worsened my depression. As
an introvert (and an INTP) I needed way more time alone and at home than with
people. I was living the life of an extroverted mother even though I am
extremely introverted. I was overwhelming myself and making my fight against
postpartum depression harder.
I picked up new habits after I re-learned all of this about
myself and it changed my life. I feel like me again. I started doubling up on
my vitamins and invested in vitamin D (good for low serotonin). I started
exercising daily and even started a challenge group which I loved! I stopped
going to play dates and stopped inviting people over for a while. We started
sending our girls to a babysitter once a week for an entire day so that I could
have a solid chunk of time to myself. (That was Chris’ idea and it was
brilliant. I never knew how much I needed that day to myself.) It’s been about
a year now and I still have one solid day to myself every week. It has saved my
sanity. Pretty much anything involving people, I stopped for a while. I had
exhausted myself pretending to be extroverted for 3+ years. Well, no more.
How can someone forget that they’re introverted? I don’t
know, but I did. Parenthood really can change you.
There is so much more that I went through last year that I would love to share, but if I wrote about it all in this post, you’d be reading a book! Post #2 will be on its way soon.
