MARRIAGE IS HARD

"Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other." Romans 12:10

To say that marriage is hard is an understatement sometimes. 

Honestly, I almost titled this post "Marriage Sucks" but then I thought that might be a little harsh and that some people might get offended before they even read what I wrote. Not that that should matter, but still...

 

Marriage is hard. REALLY HARD. Possibly the hardest thing I've ever experienced in my life. That is no exaggeration.

Marriage involves daily acknowledging and admitting of your own failures, weakness and sins. It involves your spouse learning daily how to forgive and forget those weaknesses, failures and sins. It involves learning to transform your speech to positive speech and gratitude. Being grateful and positive all the time. ALL THE TIME. Even if you're not "feeling it".

Marriage involves humbling yourself daily to the extent that some days you simply turn the other cheek. It involves actively living out patience and God's truth. It involves real OBEDIENCE to God's Word.

 "So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples."
John 13:34-35

Being honest here, it can really suck sometimes. Communication and confrontation can be very painful. Often there is blame on both parties which makes it difficult to put one issue aside so that you can effectively deal with the issue at hand. It's difficult learning to compartmentalize during a heated conversation or argument.

It takes a TEAM EFFORT to learn how to tackle one issue at a time WITHOUT bringing up something else in the process. In order to move forward and move past something, we have to be able to discuss that ONE issue, leaving the rest behind for a little bit.

A TEAM EFFORT is not ONE person being eager to grow, but BOTH. You BOTH have to be eager and willing to change, grow and really work at communicating. Note I said "work at" communicating. It's a really long process.

We as people are complicated. We aren't going to have each other figured out after just a few disagreements! People change. Our desires change. Our needs change. Our moods change. This means our conversations will change. Our arguments will change. Sadly, we are not a steady people. We change constantly. Everything about us, our hearts and our minds, it changes constantly. This means you must recognize that communication will be a never ending learning experience.

In marriage, you have to recognize, acknowledge and admit on a daily basis that your marriage is NOT about YOU, YOUR HAPPINESS or YOUR SPOUSE'S HAPPINESS, but it is about becoming more like Christ! This is TRUTH. Soak it in.

Have you come to the conclusion yet that your spouse is not perfect? That he or she is not always going to be the man or woman you WANT? Maybe your spouse is not really satisfying you right now. Maybe you feel lonely or ignored.


Let me remind you of some basics in life.

Your spouse is...well, YOUR SPOUSE!
YOU cannot change your spouse. They are who they are. Only God can change them and only God can motivate them to change.


My husband, Chris, is Chris...and I am Stephanie. We are two very different people. We have different convictions, different desires, different motivations, different weaknesses and different strengths. We clean the house differently, we read the Word differently, we sleep differently, we wake up differently...we are very, VERY different people. So are YOU and YOUR SPOUSE.

You've just got to get over it. You've got to accept the truth that your spouse is NOT YOU and YOU are NOT YOUR SPOUSE. You are two very different people.


But here's the GOOD NEWS: You are two very different people who were put together so that God could make you MORE LIKE HIMSELF!

Our marriages are meant to make us HOLY and MORE LIKE CHRIST! Truth. Marriage is a tool to worship God and to further and better share the Good News! When we SEE THIS and RECOGNIZE THIS AS TRUTH, we see our relationship in a whole new light!


It's not about YOU. It's about growing to become more like Christ! I recently heard in a Joyce Meyer sermon that "God WILL put you with someone who irritates you! But trust me, you will irritate them, too! That person God uses to rub against you and chip away the sin and the dirt in your life, and you in their life!" This is so true!

More than likely your spouse is going to hurt you at some point. ...and then again, and again and again. We're human and we are prone to fall. THANKFULLY the Lord is gracious and forgiving. Are YOU gracious and forgiving? No matter how deep the pain, in marriage, you've got to just take it to God and move on. Sometimes there will be the opportunity for discussion and other times your spouse is not going to be open to what you have to say. So, just take it to God and move on.

Marriage involves sacrifice and humility and honesty. EVERY SINGLE DAY.

We are to be a TEAM and encourage each other to pursue God, to obey God, to listen to God. But don't be smart! Don't think for a moment that you know exactly what your spouse needs! Listen. Be patient. Pray for them. 

Here are some questions you can ask yourself in your

 journey to becoming a more encouraging spouse:

What would help my spouse to grow closer to God? 

Have I been praying for my spouse on a regular basis?

Have I been praying over our home on a regular basis?

How can I remind my spouse of God's love this week?
How can I remind my spouse of God's promises this week?

What need has my spouse expressed to me this week? 

Has my spouse spoken of a desire to pray or read together?
What would encourage my spouse to pursue God more? 

Would it positively affect my spouse if I, myself, read MORE in the Word? 

Have I been reading the Bible on a regular basis?

Would it encourage my spouse to pursue God if I read the Bible with them anytime they asked or suggested it?

Have I been positive in my speech 
and in my actions this week?

Have I been honest with my spouse?

Have I been grateful in my speech 
towards my spouse this week?

Marriage is hard because it requires daily sacrifice and selflessness. You have to CHOOSE to love your spouse no matter what the day holds, no matter your confusion or frustration, no matter what your spouse did yesterday or even five minutes ago! 

Take it from me. Pause and look at the log in your own eye. Be merciful. You'd want your spouse to be merciful to you, right?

"Do for others as you would like them to do for you."
Luke 6:31

"Be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love."
Ephesians 4:2

Forgive and forget. This is essential for life.

Be intentional. Be purposeful. Choose to act and speak in love, for this is the will of God for those who love him. 

"Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is born of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God---for God is love."
1 John 4:7-8

"But I say love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven..." Matthew 5:44-45a

"Love does no wrong to anyone, so love satisfies all of God's requirements." Romans 13:10

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

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I know that this was completely scatter-brained today but I felt the need to let this pour out from within my heart. I do believe that someone needs to hear this and I believe that it will sink right into their hearts, all thanks to the hands of God our Father.

May these words be a blessing and a light into someone's heart today, Father. That they may see what it is you have been longing for them to see and that they may be humbled and put in awe of your wondrous love for us! In the name of Jesus Christ, I ask this. Amen.

It's Okay, You're NORMAL

In a world of extroverts, I sometimes stand out. Although I've worked really 

hard over the years to "mask" this "identity" in public, sometimes it just comes seeping out.

I am an introvert.

I am an introvert.

Let's just go ahead and address this.

"Contrary to what most people think, an introvert is not simply a person who is shy. In fact, being shy has little to do with being an introvert! Shyness has an element of apprehension, nervousness and anxiety, and while an introvert may also be shy, introversion itself is not shyness. Basically, an introvert is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people." - Carol Bainbridge

Being an "introvert" does not always mean that you are shy. Granted, I was extremely shy for the first half of my life but things like high school, college and well...LIFE...can throw you out of it. People are often misunderstanding of what it means to be "an introvert" (and many people dislike the term, however, it seems to define me pretty well).

This is me...

I thrive off of solitude. I took a quiz many many years ago about "my personality" and one of the questions was "what would you prefer? Option A, Option B, Option C, or a day in a monastery?" I might have flipped out when I saw that last answer! A day in a monastery sounds WONDERFUL!!! For real now. It sounds beautiful. That's what I get excited about more often than not, alone time. I flourish when spending hours all by myself. I am revived when given the blessing of "peace and quiet" for longer than five minutes. Doesn't everyone at some point? When I have the freedom to be alone, I am given so much energy!

My husband is an extrovert. I'm pretty sure he hates that term, but it's true. He is the opposite of me, almost completely, but that's another post for another day. He is re-energized when he's with people. People give him life and energy! That's awesome, and I wish I were like that sometimes, but I'm the opposite. I get worn out after being around people for a while and I have to get away to re-coop.

"Introverts are more concerned with the inner world of the mind. They enjoy thinking, exploring their thoughts and feelings. They often avoid social situations because being around people drains their energy. This is true even if they have good social skills. After being with people for any length of time, such as at a party, they need time alone to recharge."

I am not shy. Not at all. When I am one on one with someone, I can talk their ears off! I'll never shut up unless you tell me to. Just ask my closest friends and family. You'll be begging me to stop talking. I have spoken and sang in front of hundreds of people. I'm not shy.

Random fact #1: My thoughts are many and quite often pensive. Nothing is simple to me and everything affects me. I might often scare or often people with how quickly I can turn small talk into a serious and intimate discussion. Seriously. I have been given A LOT of weird looks over the years.

Random Fact #2: I find that I hate lots of noise. I will drive in silence or put my phone on silence many days just because I've been around talkative people for a few days straight. Even the noise wears me out on occasion. It has gotten even more difficult now that I've got a toddler who never ever ever stops talking or squealing or crying! Don't get me wrong, my little girl is the love of my life (after my hubby of course) but she can seriously wear me out just by being vocal all day long.

Being alone energizes me. It revives me and perks me back up.

I have spent so many years now trying to fake an energy that I really didn't have. I tried to appear "extroverted", but eventually I gave up. I'm not that person. 

I absolutely love my family, my friends and I have sincerely enjoyed meeting new moms this year, but I am an introvert. Too much socializing wears me out. It makes me grumpy and many times, unavailable to my daughter and my husband when we're all at home at the end of the day.

Unless you are extremely close friends with an introvert, or you are one yourself, you many not understand this.

Everyone and their siblings are convinced that being social is key to a happy life, but I have to make sure that I do what I need to do to re-energize or I may not be as pleasant of a person to my husband and my daughter. My husband, often gifts me with alone time because he's seen the positive affect it has on me. Why, even tonight he told me not to rush home! I know my husband is a social butterfly, but he knows that people wear me out, so he lets me spend time by myself often. He knows that I will come back to him ready with a happy new attitude! I am SO grateful for this! My husband is amazing!

I am amazed by how many mothers I have met this year that were SURPRISED that I'm an introvert. They thought they were the only ones. They were waiting and hoping to find someone just like them, someone who understands their desire for small intimate playgroups versus large get-togethers. They long to make friends who understand what it means to be an introvert, because honestly, it's easier for introverts to be friends with other introverts. We get each other. We don't ask much of each other, just our presence. ...and we like that.

I am here to tell you ladies...and men...that being an introvert is completely and utterly normal!!!

It is perfectly fine that you would rather be by yourself then go on a ladies night out. It is perfectly fine that you'd rather stay home instead of attending a party. You are NOT the only one! There are so many other people like you and they get you! They understand!

I have worked really hard to be more social, but not for myself. I have stepped out of my comfort zone so so often so that my little girl can socialize regularly and make friends. I have stepped out of my comfort zone so that my husband can socialize and do so with me there by his side. These things, they mean a lot to my family. I have definitely said no to social outings on many occasions, but I choose wisely. I put a lot of thought into the benefits of getting out with friends and family. A lot of people don't, but us introverts, we do. And that's OKAY.

God designed us to be exactly who we are. My husband and I are completely different, but where I am weak, he is strong and where he is weak, I am strong. God designed you and me to be exactly who we are today.  God designed you in such a way, that you need alone time to re-boost and gain energy. God created my husband to be energized when with friends and family for long periods of time. We're all different and we all need different things, and that's okay.

Let me share some more embarrassing facts about myself.

I'll admit, I have cried on many occasions because the constant social interaction was really wearing me out. Not that that is embarrassing to admit or anything!

My husband may not completely understand why I am the way I am but he has definitely seen it more and more. He has witnessed how alone time has rejuvenated me and given me a joyful spirit.

My mom could also tell you many stories! At the end of each semester in college I used to have a mental and emotional break down and I would "hide" from people for about two and a half to three weeks. I would turn off my phone and hardly ever leave home. I wouldn't come out of my bedroom for a couple of days at a time (except for eating and bathroom breaks of course). To many people, that's just strange. Thank the Lord not everyone at the time knew about this "hiding", because if they did I'd hear all sorts of nonsense. Most likely, coming from people who don't understand. However, my close friends and family could definitely tell the difference in my mood once those weeks passed by. I started to go out and hang out with friends again, daily. I started calling people and spending afternoons and evenings out and about. I was rejuvenated! I was revived! I had energy again! I was also A LOT happier!

I have friends and family who will never ever understand this and I'm sure you do, too. They will never understand the need to be left alone, but I GUARANTEE you that it's normal. It's perfectly okay to be introverted and enjoy your alone time. Maybe way more than you want to admit, too. 

To WANT to be alone more often than not. To WANT that solo vacation for a week or so. To WANT to be left alone at parties and social gatherings.
 

It's OKAY.

YOU are a wonderful person who STILL impacts the world every single day! YOU can change the world just as much as the next person! YOU'RE thoughts and desires matter!

May I encourage you to NOT be discouraged by people who try to tell you to "come out of your shell" or that "you just need to get out and socialize". A lot of people will try to encourage you to do things you don't want to do, but YOU know yourself better than anyone else! Do NOT be ashamed of what you really need or want! Alone time! Do NOT be embarrassed to say "no" to an invite or turn down an offer to get out of your house! It's NORMAL! It's OKAY! 

However, I do have to say this. Do NOT be afraid of socializing! Do NOT be afraid of pressing your limits! Do NOT get so caught up in your "alone time" that you forget to minister to other people! 

Yes, you may need that precious alone time, but only to re-energize so that you can go out and speak TRUTH into people's lives! THIS is also important!

Now go! Get alone and be re-energized! Then come on back into the presence of others so that God's love may pour out into their lives as well as yours! 

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Not sure?

Did you find this post interesting?
Then check out this post by Carolyn Gregoire

23 Signs You're Secretly An Introvert