Free as a Bird

So, I borrowed this AMAZING book called Waking the Dead from an awesome man from church. (of course I borrowed it about a year ago, I'm so bad!) This chapter was concerning counseling. We have so many wounds that came from the people close to us, whether family or friends. John Eldredge talks about how God brings back memories for a reason. "Go with him there. He has something to say to you." Our God heals and counsels.

It blows my mind every time I am (once again) reminded of how much God loves me. I am not perfect, FAR from it, but to know that God loves me...I mean, truly loves me, is a big deal. These emotions that arise within us at times: fear, sadness, anger, regret, are all opportunites or rather, invitations to go with him "into the deep waters of the heart." I have never thought about that before. These emotions are an invitation by God, to learn about my own heart and what God has to say about it.

My heart is good. Your heart is good. God made our hearts to be good. Wow. What have you learned about your own heart? I've learned over the years, that my heart is a waste of time. I've learned that its passions are "pathetic" and weak. I've learned that my heart is a laughing matter. I have seriously learned that over the years. Somewhere deep down, haven't you known that your heart was good?

Now, I have learned so much in the past seven years or so. All by the grace of God, I realized (through a tough and in my case, traumatic, conversation) that I was "better than that." I began to learn that my heart was and is good. It was like a spark lit in my mind and I all of the sudden knew that I had a greater purpose. Weirdest thing, if I do say so myself. God showed me what I didn't want to become. This made me run the other direction, which was finally the RIGHT direction. God became my true guide for the first time when I was sixteen. Through that, he taught me all about his love. Since he was my guide, my parent and my role model, he showed me how much he loved me. He showed me what was good about me and what could be changed. ...but mostly his love. It never hit me that God loved me unconditionally until I met Chris.

I remember hurting myself one day and I thought to tell Chris. I don't remember telling him about it before then, so this might have been a shock to him. I don't know. I think I was waiting for him to go into shock at what I did, but he didn't. He wasn't scared at all. He carried me, in a sense. He held my hand, while he was the one with the strength in that moment. I remember being blown away by his gentless and care. Who would or could even love someone like this? Someone like me? Jesus, what?!! I don't get it! God, for real?

I went on forever and a day asking God if I was dreaming. Is this love? What is this? I am being spoiled? Does he actually care?

God started trying to get me to see how much he loved me and how much my sins didn't make him love me any less. I am beautiful to him. He was trying to get me to see that and grasp that. Well, I have been so blessed by God and I DO see his love for me now. I still don't understand it, and I may never understand it, but I have finally accepted his love. ...and it is freeing!