Manic Monday

I feel like I need to start anew. Can I share my story?

In August, my husband and I will have been married for three years, together for seven. Our daughter just turned one and we believe that she's already hit the terrible twos. I am completely blessed to be able to stay at home with our baby girl every day. I have the joy of hearing her say new words and rock her baby doll for the first time. I have the privilege of welcoming home a handsome man every evening. I get to shower him with kisses after his long and difficult days at work. I get to see his face light up as his daughter taunts him with a game of chase. Our home is not always cheerful and peppy, but most evenings can guarantee at least fifteen to thirty minutes of some serious giggles.

My life as a mom...where do I start? I fully believe that I can repeat every word Bonnie wrote in this post concerning becoming a mom. I did NOT understand what "tired" fully meant until I gave birth to Hannah. There are so many things that I did not understand, until now. You think marriage is hard? Parenting is hard!

Let me tell you about my day.

Late last night Hannah "climbed" out of her crib. She's one. She CAN'T climb out of her crib! Imagine a little baby girl throwing her leg over her crib and then falling onto the floor without doing anything to prevent her fall. Yea...that happened! That's the third time in two weeks! I now have this immense fear that my daughter is going to grow up with major spine or joint issues! (It's terrifying!) 

This morning went well, meaning she didn't scream too much about anything and we (mommy and Hannah) smiled at each other without having to walk on egg shells. We giggled and played on the bed. 

We had been playing on mommy and daddy's bed and Hannah began to run full speed towards the bedroom door, forgetting that she was above the ground. She fell and hit her head on the floor, then proceeded to flip and start crying. We cuddled. She then pulled at my shirt, stretching it past it's limits (aggravating, seeing as it's a new shirt and will never hold it's shape again). She wanted to nurse. Again. I said no, and she bit me. I told her not to bite me and she bit me again. 

We started to giggle again, playing a game of chase. 

Hannah likes to sit by the fire place but this time, mommy and daddy forgot to unplug the remote from the xbox system. Can you guess what happened? Not even thirty minutes after hitting her head on the bedroom floor, Hannah pulled the cord attached to the remote and the remote fell and hit her head. My poor baby. It just wasn't her day today.

We sat down for lunch and we watched some cartoons on Netflix (Mostly me. She's not too interested in television right now, thank the Lord!). I made hot dogs. SIMPLE. Hannah was aggravated with me because I wouldn't give her the plate (that she could drop and break). I tried to feed her but she fell on her stomach every time and spun around as to face away from me. She'd look back to watch my reaction but I would just keep on eating. Then she got mad that I wasn't giving her what she wanted (even after her tantrum) and started hitting my plate, pushing everything off and onto our carpet. Hot dogs. Ketchup. Crumbled hot dog buns. Grrr. By this point I was getting fairly aggravated with my monstrous baby and decided that I wasn't hungry anymore. She didn't seem to want to eat anyway. She was just playing with her food and rubbing it into my carpet. 

A little while later I put her in her high chair to eat. Half usually hits the floor, a fourth gets eaten and the rest just stays smeared on her tray. As I cleaned up the floor around her (before setting the monstrous child free), Hannah decided that it would be fun to throw food into my hair as I was bent down. Corn bread. Peas. Carrots. Noodles. Cheese. It was all in my hair. I stood up to throw away the food that hit the floor and she started screaming and crying as if I were abandoning her. I literally took two steps to the trash can and she was freaking out!

We read her First Words book (no longer sold). We read it for thirty whole minutes. She threw a fit every time I tried to set it down and she would put it back in my lap. Her favorite words are "dog", "cat", "eyes", and "baby". I tried to teach her that dogs say "woof"! She eventually started softly saying "Wooh! Wooh!" It was the cutest thing ever!

I finally got to go to the bathroom for the second time today and Hannah decided that it would be the perfect time to hop into the bathtub. I started stripping my child, running the bath water, clearing out the bathtub, checking the bath water, and making sure my naked baby doesn't pee all over the floor, and all while sitting on the toilet trying to use the bathroom. This is my life. Haha!

We laughed so much today. She was happier than she's been (for me) in a few days. Then Daddy came home from work and she was sooo excited...for about thirty minutes. She started fussing again as if I was abandoning her.

We (Daddy, Mommy and Hannah) ate dinner together, played together, giggled together, went grocery shopping together and then she passed out in her bed.

Lately, about 80% of my day consists of me not knowing why my child is crying. Sometimes it makes me feel like I'm not paying enough attention to my own daughter and maybe I have missed something completely! I hate that feeling. When she cries just because I stand up...why? I don't understand? Did I do something? Did I NOT do something? She'd been fed. She had a clean diaper. She had been playing with me for hours and been with me ALL day. Why is she upset with me?
I recently told my husband that I feel as if lately I get bullied and beaten up all day long. Then in one quick moment, I'll be witnessing fear in my child's eyes JUST BECAUSE I stood up to pick up a few toys, throw something in the trash or go to the bathroom. It makes me feel so guilty for reasons I don't even know or understand.

My living room is covered in pieces of hot dogs, corn bread, baby snacks and ravioli. I forgot to wash our bedsheets today and this morning, Hannah's diaper leaked all over it. Yep. I'm sleeping on pee tonight. Gross, I know.

The point of all this life is crazy. It's no where near perfect, and I like it that way. It challenges my faith, my patience and my mercy for others. Today was hard because Hannah didn't want to accept anything that I offered her, but she cried her little heart out every time I stood up or stepped away for even just a split second. That mixture of emotions can wear on a person after time. She rejects me one minute but then clings to me the next.

Chris and I had a long discussion at dinner tonight about remembering that Christ lives within us, within you. I am reminded today, that the Holy Spirit intercedes for me when I do not have the words. Romans 8:26 Young ones are so exhausting. I won't even sugar coat it. Half of my days are tiring and the other half are exhausting. I have few days in between to which I actually have more energy than when I awoke. Those moments that I sit and cry because I'm tired and stretched thin, the Holy Spirit is interceding for me. The Holy Spirit intercedes "with groans too deep for words".

Wow. THAT is the peace and encouragement that I have been needing to hear for so long now. If I don't know what to say, do, think or react, I have a great and mighty God who will hear His servant, the Holy Spirit, who intercedes for me. He speaks to God FOR ME in groans that are too deep for words! W O W!

We are NOT alone. God has NOT forsaken us. HE IS HERE. HE IS VERY MUCH ALIVE and WITHIN US. Praise the Lord for His love is GREAT!!!

Note the mass amount of pillows beside Hannah's crib. Here's hoping that if she climbs out,
at least her landing will be soft. (We can't seem to find the tool for lowering her crib.)

So let us rest in His embrace, even though our days can be difficult, painful or sorrowful.

Goodnight everyone!

May God bless your sleep or lack of sleep this evening!

A few more photos of our day...
Notice the pieces of hot dog along my floor. Pillows tossed to the ground. Dirty dish towel (it might still be laying there, oops).

God bless!

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